It’s here. We’re back.
When I say family, you say family.
America’s favorite movie franchise dropped a modest, nearly-four minute trailer this week. You think the Super Bowl matters today? How about…
How is Charlize Theron going to cover Michelle Rodriguez, Brie Larson, and Cardi B? Can John Cena and Helen Mirren get Jason Momoa out of there? How much grit do you need to survive falling from a cargo plane going down a runway at 80mph, only to land directly in an explosion?
We’re going to make this into a 10-part breakdown of the Fast X trailer. Why? Lazy, contrived matching with the entry number of the movie? Partly. I’m also really concerned that I could would do 10,000 words otherwise. Without further ado…
- Holy – There Are a Lot of Good Guys/Gals and Bad Guys/Gals. There’s Just a Lot of GUYS/GALS
The first thing that came to mind watching this trailer is – my goodness, half of Hollywood is cast in this list. It’s not the good half. But it’s the half we deserve.
Brie Larson – good to see you here! Jason Statham – already? Welcome back! Helen Mirren – crypto bubble, huh? Charlize – that was a three film deal? I’m so sorry!
John Cena becomes the third actor to try to, or successfully, kill Vin’s friends and immediately be inducted into the family. He follows:
- The Rock
- Attempted to kill Dom
- Attempted to arrest and extradite Dom, Brian O’Connor
- Jason Statham
- Successfully killed Han twice; ultimately was unable to kill Han
- Attempted kill on The Rock; Rock was able to successfully jump out of a 5/6th floor window
- Successfully killed at least 20 people in a bid to give a powerful speech to comatose brother
I’m pretty sure that’s Rita Moreno now coming in as Vin’s mother. Charlize is back for another run, slotting in somewhere between the secondary to quaternary villain. A Wikipedia run shows that Ratcatcher is attending, Scott Eastwood’s got one more in him, Michael Rooker said why not?, and Cardi B is back. We also have a reported return of Gisele/Gal Gadot. You last saw her about to fall off that aforementioned fast-moving cargo plane into a burning fire. I believe she also exploded on impact but refuse to do any film study there.
Add in an outright refusal to kill off any significant character and we have a stacked callsheet.[1]
2. Everyone’s Really Old and Shouldn’t Be Doing This Stuff Anymore
3. Dom and the family’s past haunts them… … … again
This is actually the best part of the Fast X plot already. If you recall, at the end of Fast Five, La Familia is celebrating a successful heist and getaway. A Corona toast was in order. However…
The family definitely killed at least 100 innocent people. They caused at least $5bn in property damage. Likely more. Forget that this is a shitty move in light of Brazil’s infrastructure struggles. The whole reckless murder thing could really change your view of La Familia if you wanted to think, like, at all, about it.
It’s a great move for one of the many, many people who lost friends and family on that day to be kind of upset about it. Ladies and gentlemen, I introduce…
4. Campaign to have Jason Momoa be Brazilian but not even attempt an accent
Well, I can confirm the second part of this. Momoa is American. But let me argue another route. I’d love him to be Brazilian, born and raised in Rio. Die-hard Flamengo fan. And he has a California surfer-dude accent. Letting him be Brazilian and simultaneously know no Portuguese would not make the top 100 most improbable things that happen in Fast.
5. John Cena sent a man through at least one floor with a bodyslam
Assuming that:
- average wooden floor has a 40psf safety factor;
- John Cena was (conservatively) in a 400 sqft room;
- 1 psf = 47.88 N/m2
Then: John Cena put that man through the equivalent force of being in a 40mph car crash with a seat belt on. Book this man for the Intercontinental Championship.[2]
6. That’s Jack Reacher!
A non-sarcastic toast to Alan Ritchson. The man got his start in Blue Mountain State. The show’s (relative) popularity (amongst males ages 17-22) was never likely to mean much in career exit opportunities for its cast. Ritchson has persevered, however. I remember being jolted when I saw him in the Alice Eve/BDH Black Mirror episode. Then he got the Reacher TV series. And here, he’s finally made it. He’s the secondary villain in a Fast movie.
He joins an illustrious list of the wildling from Game of Thrones, an Asian man (fond of debatably useful backflips and parkour) that Paul Walker kicked down an elevator shaft, and a model that had a limited role in Starz’ hit show Black Sails.
7. It’s another AC-130!
Exhaustive research submits that there are 17 operational AC-130s. Domenic Toretto has used 2 of them in the last five years. We should probably be realistic and assume he was able to reserve the same one for this go-round.
8. America First
The aforementioned AC-130 comes into our lives as Dom makes a big entrance onto an elevated highway. Highways, like airplane runways, are hallowed spaces for the Fast franchise. Where else can you find a reasonable field of battle for multiple muscle cars, ATVs, armored vehicles, tanks, check notes a cargo plane… another tank…
We see Dom making a splash by reversing out of an AC-130. This, unfortunately, is not the first time that Dom has reversed American muscle out an AC-130 in the series. But I digress. He’s able to kill at least two bad guys by going airborne directly onto two cars driving side-by-side.
When two helicopter shoot harpoons at Dom (ostensibly instead of missiles or like, guns), Dom seems to be in a tight spot. That’s until he remembers he has more American muscle than these clowns. By accelerating, he is able to out-torque the two helicopters and send them crashing into each other.
Confirmed: the American motor industry is not dead.
9. NATO countries should be asking for Torettos, not Patriot aerial defense systems
A large step in the United States’ aid package for Ukraine was sending Patriot missile defense systems. While Dom is unable (yet) to intercept incoming surface-to-air ballistic missiles, he can offer a different dimension. Dom has now taken down four aircraft. We see two helicopters here. We’ll give him a kill for Djimon Hounsou’s aircraft in Fast 7. He took down a Blackbird in F9. I think there’s one more in the series. For my mental health I will not be rewatching F9 to confirm.
Let’s stretch our definitions here and admit a nuclear submarine as another “kill.” Dom would be certified as a flying ace with five “kills.” After an exhaustive search of one Wikipedia article, Dom would be the U.S. Air Force’s most decorated pilot in at least twenty years and likely since Vietnam if he were eligible. All of this from a Dodge Mustang.
10. Charlize, Upgraded
Charlize Theron has gone to the School of Picking Up Expert Skills Between Fast Movies. Where Ludacris (evolved from street race promoter to world-class hacker), the guy from Tokyo Drift (literally a rocket scientist), Nathalie Emmanuel (after being really scared when someone got hit in the face, is landing three-piece combos by Fast 9), and Ludacris again (literally no-look KOs a guy) went before, Charlize is following. She is now an expert hand-to-hand fighting specialist. We wish her the best.
[1] Djimon Hounsou is the exception that proves the rule.
[2] Yes, I’m aware that’s almost certainly the wrong way to think about the calculation. No, I am not willing to think any harder about it and probably shouldn’t have come this far.
First Take Forever 